a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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