I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
