I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
