Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
