I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
