I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
