Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
