I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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