the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
