It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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