I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
