I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
