I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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