I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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