somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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