i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
