I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize