I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Im part way to drunk.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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