hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
