You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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