Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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