I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
