I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize