I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
