please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
