You're completely useless in the revolution.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
