I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
