hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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