your room smells of hookers.
And success
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize