mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
