I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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