I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
