Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
