well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just invented taco cereal.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
