But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
