I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
