Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
