You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
