He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
