Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
