4 words: hood of his car
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
