she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize