how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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