I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
