so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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