I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
