Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was confusing and full of hummus
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
