Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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