I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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