I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
sarcasm needs its own font
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh god it's open bar.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
