Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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