so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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