if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
