Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
