Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
